On the off chance that you have any house plants you’d like to get rid of for some weird reason, I’m your gal. I come with a 100% guarantee of satisfaction. I could almost work up a little sideline in plant removal if there was enough demand. I’d get both of my black thumbs insured or patented or whatever might be called for.
My method is simple and humane. I kill with kindness and the very best of intentions. No neglected, overlooked or forgotten plants on my watch. No dead, dessicated twigs or crumbling leaves desperate for water or food. That’s not my way at all. My plants expire quietly.
Well, almost. They may strangle and drown, gurgling and holding their little plant noses as I pour more and more fresh water over them and they sink for the 3d or even the 4th time, but they do get watered. As for food, my system is simple. If a pinch is good a tablespoon or maybe two will be even better. I’m so afraid the little dears will die of starvation.
I once killed a pot of artificial ivy. Real ivy is difficult to get rid of for most people, although it’s never been much of a problem for me with my particular talents. However, the artificial type was a little more complicated. In a fit of absentmindedness I began to water it as faithfully as I watered each of my real plants, until I was finally forced to notice the water wasn’t going anywhere. It had filled up the container and begun to rust all the wire stems. The leaves had been made of cloth coated in something and and were rotting away into a gummy mess..
The only plant I ever had any luck with was a Chia Pet my husband gave our cat, Samson, one year for Christmas. The idea was that when the greens grew to full size, they be as tempting as catnip and Samson would love them.
I followed all the directions meticulously and grew a gorgeous crop. The trouble was Samson was totally uninterested. Even as I plucked a few sprouts and nibbled on them myself to show him how tasty they were, he merely sat and gazed at me with that impassive cat look that says “You know you’re being an idiot and you know I know you are but I’ll keep your secret.”
So much for the Chia Pet. It was exiled to the patio where even the neighborhood strays left it alone.
I’ve mourned each and every plant I’ve managed to kill. They never deserved a monster like me. I do yearn for a home full of living, flourishing greenery and beautiful blooms. I drop in on my friends from time to time. They all have lovely plants and I’m welcome to visit, but I have to promise ahead of time that I won’t touch any of them.