The Perfect Servants

When Madame Albertine Eisenstein realised she’d married beneath herself and would no longer be able to afford a house full of servants, she threw her philandering, fortune hunting husband out and applied her considerable engineering skills to creating the perfect pair of servants.

Having been the first and only female graduate of the noted electronics college at Looney Uni, she was well prepared for her task.  In no time at all two anthropomorphic androids, ADAM and EVE, were in residence and being trained to serve her every need.

Not at all androgynous, Adam was a strapping six-footer with broad shoulders made of rebar.  Eve was a  winsome slip of a girl with a flexible 10 inch waist joining her upper and lower torso.  Her cooking skills soon became legendary.

The androids were exceptionally easy to maintain, needing only a semi-annual trip to the nearest KWIK-E-LUBE and an occasional tightening of their nuts and bolts.   By their very being, androids are anthropomorphic and Madame Albertine had built in numerous features that made them even more realistic.  By the time Madame reached a comfortable late middle age (admitting to 97 years but secretly closer to 135) they had become one happy family.

Madame whiled away her days watching re-runs of “The  X Files,” dozing and drooling during the commercials. Adam catered to her every whim while Eve prepared her favorite foods.

Madame particularly loved Eve’s specialty, a rich radish soup which Eve made by pureeing two large bunches of radishes in her left claw-like hand while crunching open a can of Hershey’s Chocolate Syrup in her right.  She had to be careful with the syrup can, not knowing her own strength.  She would end up picking shreds of tin out of the puree if she got careless.  Her secret ingredient, known only to herself, was a dash  of Listerine at the last minute, then Madame would dine royally.

Life passed pleasantly and Adam and Eve should have been contented.  However, they both had the feeling that something was missing from their lives.  Adam would gaze longingly at Eve, who would simper and flutter her long paint-brush eyelashes at him.  If only they had a child, a tiny anthropomorphic baby to call their own.

Unfortunately, Madame Albertine had not programmed them to procreate.  She had omitted some very important bits and pieces from their anatomies.  After a long discussion she finally agreed that the patter of little feet around the house would be nice.

But what to do?  She felt too old to take on the responsibility of creativity again, and finally compromised by dumping the contents of her tool box over the top of the basement  work bench and telling them to do their best.

Adam and Eve set to work happily and soon an adorable infant took shape.  Curls of bronze shavings danced around her head, and  Adam dipped two round washers into sky-blue paint  for her eyes.  They weren’t quite the same size but vanity was not programmed into their beings and they thought she was beautiful.

Eve lovingly lined the abandoned tool-box with steel wool and it became a perfect cradle for their little one.  Having no imagination to help them, they named her Baby dash Female.  Baby dash Female kicked her pipe-stem legs and cooed like a portable generator running on LOW.

Every six months Adam and Eve tenderly unscrewed Baby dash Female’s many joints and inserted extensions so she developed at a normal rate for her age.  However, on her 13th birthday they accidently inserted  X LGE extensions instead of the MEDIUMS that were called for.  When she stood up Baby towered over  both of them.  They quickly set to work on her joints and cut her back down to size.

Baby dash Female was not allowed to attend school.  Her pleasure in her many loving friends and kind teachers was so great that she would grab them up in a crushing embrace, causing their eyes to pop and their tongues to hang out.  She longed for a real-live pet of her own too, but there again, she managed to pop the heads off all her ROBO-PETS so this was not advisable either.

As Baby dash Female grew she started training with Adam and Eve, learning to cater  to Madam Albertine’s every wish and to prepare her foods, especially the radish soup.  Time passed quickly and before long Baby began to notice signs of deterioration in her parents.  Sadly it became necessary for them to visit the KWIK-E-LUBE oftener, sometimes every month.

Rust spots appeared on their exposed parts that even RUSTOLEUM couldn’t remove, and their movements grew slow and jerky.  Their electronic hearts were deteriorating and even Madame Albertine was unable to help them.  At last Baby dash Female had to face the fact that their end was near.

Eve whispered the name of her secret ingredient for the radish soup into the ear of her beloved daughter, gave one quiet “KLINK,” and sank into a heap of metal at Baby’s feet.  Stalwart, loyal Adam soon followed and Baby dash Female was left alone.

However, her loving parents had not programmed “grief” into her being so she carefully swept up their remains and disposed of them.  Then she went into the kitchen to prepare a kettle of radish soup for Madame Albertine’s lunch.

To her dismay, Baby dash Female realised that she’d forgotten the secret ingredient!  Now what?  She frantically began grabbing anything she could lay her hands on: prune juice, hand lotion, Three-Buck-Chuck, Lysol,  Downy, soy sauce, Windex…..

The more she added the stranger the soup tasted, but Madame Albertine was not accustomed to waiting for her lunch so Baby dash Female rushed in to serve her, keeping her misgivings to herself.

Madame slurped down her soup, cried out once in distress, clutched her throat and expired.  Baby was stricken to her electronic heart. She had no idea what to do.  Finally she knelt and picked up Madame Albertine with her strong arms, intending to place Madame upon her bed.  The grip of Baby’s claw-like hands tightened in spite of her intentions, and before Baby realized what was happening,  Madame Albertine had been turned into a thick red puree.

Having been carefully trained,  Baby  dash Female quickly found a big sponge and the largest bucket available.  In no time at all Madame’s pureed remains were being washed down the kitchen sink.  Baby carefully rinsed and dried the sponge, the bucket and the sink.

Then she turned, trudged out the door and set off down the street in search of another job.


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