Auntie Jo’s Guide to Gifts for Grown-ups

No one understands gift-giving better than Auntie Jo.  Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, she’s right there with the perfect gift, wrapped and delivered.   Being of a certain age herself, she especially loves sharing with those of us who are still young enough to want to see our names on a gaily wrapped package.  Is anyone ever too old?

True, there’s nothing we need at this time of our lives and our loved ones claim we’re much too difficult to shop for, but Auntie Jo has the answer to both problems.  Just check out her list below; there’s something for every Granny or Gramps you know.

Auntie Jo’s #1 suggestion for the perfect gift:  CHOCOLATES!  Unfortunately, Granny says “It’s a no-no, cholesterol.”  Gramps says “Diabetes.  Besides I can’t chew the danged things.”

#2  O.K., no chocolates:  A bottle of wine!

Granny says “It messes up my meds.”  Gramps says “Never could stand the danged stuff.”

#3  Well, maybe a fine old single malt scotch.

Granny says  “I’d fall down.”  Gramps says “can’t handle the danged hangovers.”

#4  Let’s try food – trays of fancy assorted cheeses, fresh fruits, dried fruits, imported meats or nuts.

Granny says “Too much fiber, too salty, not enough fiber, not enough salt, can’t chew.”  Gramps says “Gives me gas, too binding, no flavor, can’t chew, too much flavor, I hate garlic.”

#5  So, no food.  How about books?

Granny says “My no, all those naughty words.”  Gramps says “Can’t read the danged print.”

#6  Here’s a good one!  Everyone loves flowers.

Granny says  “HAH-CHOOO.”  Gramps says “ Got any idea how much those danged things cost nowadays?”

#7  A fresh idea – Table Games

Granny says  (“He’s a poor loser.”)  Gramps says  (“She’s a poor loser.”)

#8  Tickets to an “ All U Can Eat” “2 For The Price Of One”  Senior’s Buffet.  At last smiles break out!

Granny says “Lovely!!!”  Gramps says  “You finally got it!”

Unfortunately there are some gifts Auntie Jo can no longer recommend. She’s had to remove her  “Romantic Weekend Special”  from her list permanently.

It consisted of a restful weekend at the beach, iced Champagne, steak and lobster, slinky lingerie for Granny, imported cigars for Gramps.  Let’s see how it went:

Granny and Gramps arrived at the room,  briefly checked out the beach,  dashed back to the room, made a beeline for the bucket with the iced Champagne, couldn’t  pry up the clamp.  Gramps removed his dentures to use as pliers.  Just as the cork flew up, nearly blinding him, a molar broke off his uppers.  Champagne rained down from the ceiling; they barely salvaged enough to feel a little tipsy as they tottered off to the dining room.

They couldn’t chew the steaks and Granny insisted she heard the lobster hit the  water even though the kitchen was 200 feet away.  Gramps picked up his lobster and tried to gnaw at it like a piece of fried chicken, finally realizing he never did put his dentures back in after the Champagne fiasco.  However, they did enjoy several cocktails and only got lost twice on the way back to the room.

Later, Granny managed to squeeze into her slinky gown and negligee,  thanks to lots of Lycra, only to find that Gramps couldn’t see well enough to get her out of it later on.   He had to use the tiny scissors from his Swiss Army Knife while she cringed in dread,  afraid to breathe.  After she finally popped out of the Lycra, neither one  remembered what was supposed to happen next.  Besides, they had personal places that were still itchy from beach sand.

They decide to skip a dip together in the bathtub;  who would get them out?   An argument broke out over the shared shower, she likes hot water, he prefers cold.  They gave up and decided to relax while Gramps lit up one of the slender, elegant cigars.

Clouds of noxious fumes sent them both into coughing fits, their noses ran and their eyes turned red. They made a mad dash to open the windows, even though the rain was blowing in.  Finally they fell across the soggy bed like two felled fir trees, exhausted from all the stress.  They overslept the next morning, well past checkout time, and ended up being charged for an extra night.

Auntie Jo says, “ Worst gift idea  I ever had.  A resounding  NO!”

Granny and Gramps say “Home is the best place for us.”

So what do Granny and Gramps really want?  Auntie Jo finally figured it out:  “It’s very simple:  Just love, a little attention, and an occasional night out at the   “All U Can Eat”  “2 For The Price Of 1” Senior Buffet.


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