Jelly Old Saint Nick

I turned on my TV this morning just in time to hear the following:

“Breaking News Alert:  Ladies and gentlemen and children everywhere:  We have just been informed that the world’s beloved  SANTA  CLAUS, soon due for his annual tour, has been busted by the  Fat Police!  He has been placed on a strict diet.  We quote,  ‘He is considered a poor role model for millions of tots,’ say the Fat Police. ‘Jolly Old St. Nick has turned into Jelly Old St. Nick.  One of the world’s  most adored figures has been placed on a no-fat, no-sugar, no-salt, no-nonsense, no-fun diet for his own good, and the welfare of millions of his young believers.’ Reports are that Mr. Claus is not handling this well.  We’ll keep you informed as the story develops.”

WHAT!  Santa lose weight?  A skinny Santa would be like Father Time without a beard, Jack O’Lantern with a full set of teeth or the Easter Bunny wearing an earring.  Some things just can’t be.  Santa Claus has to be fat.

Imagine St. Nick’s rosy cheeks and cherry nose shriveled and shrunken.  Imagine drooping eyes, deep wrinkles and a red velvet suit so baggy it falls in puddles around his feet.  His hearty  “Ho-Ho-Hos”  would sound like wimpy “Tee-Hees”.

How could he pick up his pack and pack it up if it weighed twice as much as he did?  His feet wouldn’t stay on the ground.  He’d fall over backwards, both boots kicking in the air like a two-legged dung beetle.

How could his sleigh take off from roof-tops with such a light load?  The reindeer would puff and snort in dismay.  Too nervous to fly properly, they’d overshoot every roof.  The elves would be frantic trying to stay on schedule.

Agreed, sliding down a chimney would be a piece of cake  (OOPS, poor choice of words there)  but what would Santa find at the bottom after he’d finished his work?  Hot cocoa and cookies?  I think not.  More likely a lukewarm glass of diet cola, two crackers and a stalk of celery.

PLEASE,  PLEASE,  Fat Police, don’t change Santa Claus.  Children have other role models; their parents, their teachers, the people who dream up video games.  Let them be fit and skinny.  There is only one Santa Claus in the entire world and he can’t change.

We adults need him and his hearty  “Ho-Ho-Hos” just as much as any child does.

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