I’ve had a heckuva year, health-wise. I think I’ve been through most of the ailments known to humankind, some of them twice. I had always believed thinking healthy meant staying healthy.
Mind over matter was my mantra, but somehow my mind didn’t matter as much as it used to, or my matter didn’t mind as much, or I didn’t mind that it didn’t matter as much as when it used to matter so much. Or something like that.
Anyway, Now I’m worried that I’m becoming a hypochondriac, imagining myself sick, dwelling on the dark side of well-being. I’ve become confused to the point where I finally drew up a checklist just to test my theories
For those of you who are beginning to wonder about yourselves, I’m happy to share my list with you. A simple “yes” or “no” to each possibility might help set your mind at ease, too.
You might be a hypochondriac if you’re on a first name basis with the receptionists at all the Urgent Care clinics in town.
You might be a hypochondriac if you make more than three trips a day to Walgreen’s to check your blood pressure.
You might be a hypochondriac if you hyperventilate for ten minutes after every sneeze, waiting to see if you’ve caught something.
You might be a hypochondriac if you use hand sanitizer for body lotion.
You might be a hypochondriac if you can knowledgeably debate the pros and cons of Metamucil versus Milk of Magnesia.
You might be a hypochondriac if your favorite online website is mayoclinic.org.
You might be a hypochondriac if a casual “Hi, howya doin’?” gives you a chance to unload a play-by-play from the way your back creaked when you got out of bed, to how many Tums you’ve popped so far today.
You might be a hypochondriac if you sprained your tongue trying to examine your tonsils (at least it felt like a sprain).
You might be a hypochondriac if you’re convinced you have hangnails on all your toes.
You might be a hypochondriac if you can rattle off the ideal numbers for blood pressure, pulse rate, oxygen level, body temp, B.M.I., HDL, LDL and triglycerides faster than you can remember your kids’ birth dates.
If you’ve answered “yes” to three or more of these possibilities, Congratulations! You’re well on your way to joining me as a very concerned hypochondriac. We must get together and compare our symptoms.