Dreams really do come true! If we can believe the constant barrage of news alerts, bulletins and breathlessly excited broadcasters, one of our most tiresome chores, grocery shopping, will soon be a thing of the past.
“BREAKING NEWS: AMAZON BUYS WHOLE FOODS CHAIN”
“BREAKING NEWS: AMAZON ANNOUNCES HOME DELIVERY OF PURCHASES SOON TO BE TESTED”
“BREAKING NEWS: Androids tested for use in packing grocery orders. Response favorable”
“BREAKING NEWS” POSSIBILITY OF USING DRONES FOR HOME GROCERY DELIVERY BEING CONSIDERED”
It just gets better and better! I can see the day coming when I kick back in my easy chair, pick up a WHOLE FOODS flyer, make my selection and punch my order into a smartphone. A disembodied voice answers and I’m in business.
AMAZON will soon have functioning androids programmed to receive orders, fill them, call up the next drone in an assembly line and dispatch it, all from centralized warehouses. My address will be entered into the drone’s data banks and it takes off.
Moments later my phone will ring and I step outside just as the drone lands gently at my feet. Or better still, it’s programmed to pass through an open door, settle on a kitchen counter and begin unpacking! Too good to be true? It may happen sooner than you think.
Or not! What happens if the ‘droid that packed your order hadn’t been properly assembled, had a screw loose or some other little detail that threw off the entire operation? In a worst case scenario it might never have been fine tuned and it’s jerky movements caused it to do something outrageous; maybe nudge an entire case of JIM BEAM Kentucky Bourbon onto the floor for instance. The breakage and resulting fumes would send the entire assembly line into chaos.
‘Droids can’t possibly be affected by alcohol, that’s a no-brainer, unless an error in programming had resulted in accidentally including a “scent” sensor into their makeup, rather than a “send” sensor.
Drone after drone would take off in a cloud of Kentucky Bourbon fumes more than a little tipsy. My very first order might arrive with
A BANG! A CLUNK! A SPLASH! And A SPLAT!
I’d dash out my front door to investigate the awful racket and find myself skidding down slimy steps and sliding across a definitely slick sidewalk. A horrified look around confirms my worst fears. My first AMAZON order has gone from groceries to garbage in one alcoholic spree. A distinct odor of JIM BEAM rises up and I stare in dismay. It’s raining groceries!
A carton of eggs drops with a crunch at my feet. Now, I enjoy omelets as much as anyone but a 12 egg omelet? And that would be only if I could get the shells strained out. An 8 pack of toilet paper unrolls as it descends, draping the magnolia tree faster than a crowd of rowdy teens on Homecoming Night. TIDE laundry detergent powders my lawn. Onions are rolling everywhere, their smell fighting with the reek of the bourbon.
Fido bounds happily away with my rib eyes, and Fluffy snatches a salmon steak right out from under my nose. CHEERIOS add an alarming crunch to every move I make. The salad greens are tossing themselves as they float down in a leafy blur. A carton of chocolate milk lands squarely on top of my head, turning me from a platinum blonde to a brunette in seconds.
Fido bounces back for my sausage links, having safely buried the ribeyes under a lilac bush. A 6 pack of BUD LITE drops with a hard THWACK! and all 6 cans burst open, spraying the TIDE covered lawn, creating a foamy effect around my ankles and bubbling up around the onions.
WELL! I want you to know I’ve just created my own Breaking News Headlines:
“DRUNKEN ‘DROID DOWNS GROCERY DRONE!”
adding my own spin to the story; “Irate housewife sues to bring D.U.I. charges against entire AMAZON Corporation.”